_{By Andy McFerren}

Every once in a while you come across a band that is so bad you question the existence of God. Because if He’s real, why would He allow something so awful as Mind Horse by Local Chump to get made?

To put it in simple terms, this is an abomination. Politicians should be worried about garbage like this. Forget drag shows. Forget TikTok. This is the real threat to society. I feel like the band owes me money by listening to this album. 

First up, let’s talk about lead singer Marshall Ringwood. I will pay a thousand dollars to anyone that can tell me a single lyric Marshall sings. 

Moving on. Can the bass player even play his instrument? I swear they got a monkey to play his parts. He should reconsider every life decision that led him to this point because Jesus Christ. You know how there’s that theory about how if an infinite number of monkeys were given typewriters, one of them would write Shakespeare? Well, for these bass parts, you’d only need a single monkey. 

The drummer couldn’t keep time if he were Father Time himself. And don’t even get me started on the guitar. Is he even playing a guitar or is that actually just a record scratch on “On the Upside?” Who do you think you are? A bargain bin version of an already bargain bin version of Tom Morello? Get over yourself. 

Please do not follow this band on Instagram. How they managed to amass their meager 190 followers is beyond me. I feel bad recommending any song from this EP but if you have to listen to one listen to the monstrosity that is “Don’t Be Yourself.” But seriously words can’t explain how bad it is. Good luck. 

Editor’s note: Andy McFerren (pictured above) was the bassist for Local Chump from 2016 until they broke up in 2017. He’s so ashamed of his band that he adopted a pen name to escape his own legacy.