By Abi Falin Horspool
Content warning: This article discusses sensitive topics, including suicide, which may be distressing to some readers.
As I spoke with Lauren Gruwell, I was reminded of the Japanese art of kintsugi. Kintsugi is the art of repairing broken pottery with a lacquer mixed with powdered gold, silver, or platinum. Rather than hiding its fractures, this form of art highlights a piece of pottery’s breakage as an important part of its history and beauty. Lauren has been through many challenges in her life, but seeks healing through music, both for herself and for others.
Lauren said her nickname, “LaLa,” stems from her gravitation towards music as a child. “My mom just couldn’t get me to stop singing,” she laughed. Lauren’s first performances took place in the form of Christmas programs in nursing homes in Payson and Spanish Fork. Lauren dedicated herself to 15 years of voice lessons, simultaneously singing at as many events and competitions as her mom could sign her up for. “I’m realizing, the older I get, how rare it is to have something that you love so much,” Lauren reflected. “My passion for music was a gift that got me through so many hard things.”
Lauren’s love for music was a blessing as she navigated her difficult childhood. Lauren grew up as one of three children in a military household. She remembers following her two brothers around as they played ninjas, wanting to do everything they did. Lauren had a special bond with her older brother Jordan. She reflected, “Jordan was the kind of brother who would get down on my level and play Barbies with me… when we were little, he always found ways to play with me and make me feel loved.”
Jordan was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder in his early teens, which consists of symptoms of both bipolar disorder and schizophrenia. Following his several suicide attempts over two years, Lauren said her family would often have police at their home and visit Jordan in the hospital, his longest stay being nine months. Music was Lauren’s lifeline during this time. “It was what I would turn to,” Lauren remembered. “To kind of try to forget… or to calm myself down when I was scared.”
When Lauren was 12, Jordan tragically took his own life at the age of 18. Jordan wasn’t living at home at the time and stayed behind while Lauren’s family went on a trip. But the family just couldn’t shake the feeling that something was wrong, so they came home a day early to see the house lights on. Lauren’s parents and other brother Judd entered their home first. Lauren entered next, with a CD playing in her ears. “The gunshot went off when I was in the garage, almost to the door,” Lauren remembered. “But by the grace of God and the music playing in my headphones, I didn’t have to hear it going off. I will forever be thankful for that.”
No words can describe the pain Lauren’s family felt after Jordan’s suicide. “We had an unfinished bathroom next to his old bedroom that he would line up his cologne in,” Lauren said. “After he passed away, when we had the bathroom finished, we walled in his cologne so it’s in there forever.” The pain from losing a loved one is a crushing burden, and the isolation that comes is suffocating as well. “You would make eye contact with people you’ve known for a long time,” Lauren said, “and they would see you, and it was like they saw a ghost and they’d dart the other way. But I get that. They’re having an internal battle within themselves… like do I say something? They don’t know what to say.” But this added to the isolation the family felt.
Jordan left his family a note, and in a paragraph addressed to Lauren, he wrote about how he always loved to hear Lauren sing, and encouraged her to keep singing, as he knew it would “heal many.” Lauren made a necklace out of this note, and for good luck she still wears it when she records. Lauren said she started writing music to help her process her feelings and distract herself from reality. Initially, it was difficult for Lauren to write music about her brother, because she felt too close to the experience. The years following her brother’s death brought battles with anxiety and depression, and eventually, Lauren stopped singing altogether.
It was years later that Lauren found her way back to music, channeling her experiences into songwriting. “I had lost that part of me,” Lauren said. “And it was really painful… because when you love something and you don’t nurture that, it’s almost unloving to yourself.” In 2018, now married with three kids, Lauren focused on writing spiritual songs, including an EP titled Beauty for Ashes, produced by Tyler Castleton, the award-winning songwriter and producer.
In late 2018, Lauren also wrote a song about Jordan titled “Now I See,” a meaningful phrase to her family. Lauren said that in Jordan’s suicide note, “he made a request to our other brother, Judd. He asked him to take a poem he had written (called ‘Now I See’) and put it to music (a guitar piece he had also written) and dedicate it to a friend.” The words “Now I See” are also inscribed on Jordan’s headstone. Inspired by this phrase, Lauren’s song’s lyrics describe how losing Jordan to suicide felt.
Lauren and I spoke a lot about a more recent release of hers, titled “The Loudest Silence.” The song’s music video holds particular significance. Lauren said she attended a high school reunion and reconnected with a friend named Ally Adams, who had just unexpectedly lost her husband Eric. “When you lose somebody,” Lauren said, “It’s all you can think about. It feels like your world comes to an end, but the rest of the world keeps going.” As she was working on a concept for the song’s music video, Lauren said she kept having the feeling to ask Ally to be a part of the video. “The craziest thing was… the second verse of the song talks about how the bathroom still smells of your cologne,” Lauren said. Two days before Lauren reached out to Ally to ask her to be a part of the video, Ally told Lauren that her oldest son came in and told her, “I just walked in the bathroom, and I smelled dad. I could smell his cologne.” When Ally heard the song with that lyric, she couldn’t help but feel compelled to participate. The music video beautifully honors the life of Ally’s family’s late husband and father. “Everything fell into place to have Ally and her four children featured in the music video,” Lauren said. “It really felt meant to be.”
“[I’m] not telling people what to feel,” Lauren said, “But I think that’s important because then people connect how they’re meant to.” Through raw and vulnerable music, Lauren hopes that something she creates “touches someone and makes them feel better in their hard times.” Her music is a testament to the healing power of music and the way pain can transform into beauty.
Lauren’s commitment to meaningful music extends beyond the typical scope. She is currently developing a program for teenagers focused on suicide prevention, inspired by her own experiences and her mother’s creation of a suicide survivor support group that ran for 17 years. “I want to do something with my story and with my music that can help teenagers specifically,” Lauren said. She hopes to include her own and others’ experiences and songs in the program. Lauren wants to help teens become more aware and look outside themselves more. “You never know how one smile can turn someone’s life around,” Lauren said. “That’s what matters. These little ripples in the pond.” The program is still in development, but Lauren hopes to bring it to schools in the next couple of years.
Lauren’s light continues to shine as she shares music from her newest album, titled Reverie. Each month, she’s releasing a song from the album, which will be completely released on September 17. This 11-song country/pop album includes “The Loudest Silence” and was produced by 3-time Grammy winner Zach Allen. As Lauren continues to sing and speak about raw and real experiences, her brother Jordan’s wish for her to keep singing to help others heal is being fulfilled. Lauren illuminates everyone around her, like the gold in kintsugi pottery, truly bringing healing to many.
Make sure to follow Lauren Gruwell on Instagram. You can listen to “The Loudest Silence” below!